“Be transformed by the renewing of your mind”- Romans 12:2
Have you ever left an exchange or moment with your child(ren) feeling as if you’ve emotionally been through the wringer? I’m talking about where your initial reaction invokes instant angst or frustration because communication clearly wasn’t doing it’s job, so you had to go above and beyond the level of explanation and expression and it still didn’t seem like it was getting through?
I don’t know about y’all but I’ve been there. And after it’s all over I’m left thinking what in the world was the point, or feeling disappointed in myself because I ended up in a mental or emotional place I didn’t intend on even visiting. As I grow in my healing journey as a woman and mom, reconciling all the pieces of myself to see who I am with clarity, I am learning that even with the best of intentions negative patterns of behavior can easily become a part of the course of our life relationships.
In the season of teenagery, I’m having to confront and correct some patterns of behavior that have come into existence not just for my kids, but for myself too. As I’m growing and evolving as a woman, the spiritual and natural evolution of who I am and how I most desire to meet my needs to show up for myself sometimes clashes with where my kids are in their own journey. When this happens the transformation process requires that I edit or adapt my thinking and approach. It used to be that I’d become overwhelmed as the changes I was going through intersected where I had to show up to wife and mom. Oftentimes the feeling of overwhelm would show up as irritation or frustration, and I’d find myself feeling discontented or disconnected, questioning my value to my family or struggling to figure out how to remain present enough to make it through the day.
One of the greatest blessings I’ve received during this season is learning to see the signs and recognize where I need me. As I grow in healing and reconcile who I am becoming, there are habits and thinking I have to release so that I’m able to move forward. Release looks different for each area I grow in. Some situations require words some don’t, some situations necessitate immediate change some don’t. The more honest I am with myself, the more gracious and humble I am about where I struggle and what I need the easier the process becomes to correct the patterns of behavior that no longer fit who I am or where I’m moving.
A major change in behavior and thinking I’ve had to accept and apply recently is independence building. What do I mean? Independence building is creating opportunity for growth by releasing responsibility of a task/area to it’s rightful owner. Well I’ll explain, for the longest I thought that the way I mothered was going to naturally foster independence for my children, they’d recognize the areas where they needed to step up for themselves and take on new responsibilities to flex their own intuition and power and just do it. However, nobody ever talks about how healing as a parent shows up in your kids. When you are working through healing and self growth as a parent there are inherent changes you make in your environment that impact your children.
Specifically for me, it’s shown up in wanting to keep my kids from feeling invisible or like they don’t have an advocate. I wanted to be the voice in the background helping them to navigate the seas of life with confidence in knowing they weren’t alone. Little did I know that advocating for people gives them the comfort to not always have to make their own voice heard, especially when the advocate is both confident and competent. Initially, I was confused as to why there would be moments where they wouldn’t speak up or step up in settings where their responsibility was obvious. They had the example and the tools. And then the Lord showed me, most of us don’t use what we have out of function; meaning when we know we can or should we naturally do, without demand or intervention. We’ve all been equipped with everything we need for our unique journey. Right now we each possess the tools to make our lives what we most desire it to be, but it requires the consistent and intentional use of the tools and abilities we have with diligence that can be overwhelming or even fatiguing to just think about. Really, when we look around us or even over the course of time, it becomes clear to see that most of us use our tools out of sheer necessity or when the situation we’re in forces us to dig deep and pull out the tools we need. “Necessity is the mother of invention” so to speak, I’m no different, and neither are my kids.
Independence building has challenged me in many ways, but it’s mostly required me to exercise faith and trust that what I’ve shared and given through my example and words to my children will give them an opportunity to dig deep and pull out their tools. It gives them an opportunity to become more self aware and practice consistency for their own good. Independence building means our mindset has to change. It means enforcing boundaries and giving them opportunities to see themselves differently, as confident and competent. As I’ve grown in this space, independence building has shown up as relinquishing responsibilities to my kids. I no longer cook all the meals, I don’t remind about how they need to prepare for the school week, I don’t remind about homework or grades, I don’t taxi daily, I don’t remind about chores, I don’t hold space for conversations that remove boundaries, I don’t shield from the consequence of choice.
Instead, I give them stake in the dinner making process including meal planning and cooking, I set limits around device usage based on how they manage their time so they can prepare for each day, I’ve given the oldest the responsibility of getting to events using his means of transportation, I enforce boundaries through access if chores aren’t done, and I encourage them to self reflect and evaluate their mode of operation through allowing them to experience natural consequences for the choices they make, and I only entertain conversations where accountability self disclosure exists.
Operating in this new space has given us the opportunity to address some patterns of behavior and thinking that can stunt self growth, and has created moments for us to learn more about each other even as we work to break cycles. Life, as we know it, is a sequence of cycles. While some of these cycles nourish our growth, others can be disruptive and counterproductive, often becoming roadblocks to our personal development and affecting our emotion and mental health. It’s crucial for us and our well-being to recognize and dismantle these destructive cycles. A simple guide is used as a basis to identify where thinking or behavior is becoming a pattern that is destructive to growth is SIGNS. Using SIGNS helps in the cycle breaking process by helping to build self-awareness, understanding, and fostering the courage to replace old patterns with new, healthier ones.
S – Symptoms: Embrace and Acknowledge
Every cycle, whether beneficial or harmful, exhibits certain symptoms. These might manifest as emotional unrest or physical discomfort. This is our brain’s method of signaling that something is amiss. It’s critical to recognize these symptoms without passing any judgment and allow yourself the patience to comprehend the cycles you’re going through.
I – Impact: Understand and Evaluate
The next step involves understanding the effect these cycles have on your life. How do they mold your relationships? What influence do they exert on your overall health and happiness? Understanding the impact of these cycles is the first step towards identifying the changes that need to be made. Make it a habit to regularly check-in with yourself, assess your mental and emotional health, and identify any behaviors that are counterproductive.
G – Growth: Spaces for Personal Evolution
Every challenge we face is a hidden opportunity for growth. Try to spot the areas within the cycle where a simple change could kickstart your personal evolution. Grab these opportunities to morph into the best version of yourself and break free from damaging patterns.
N – Negativity: Spot Negative Patterns
Identify the negative behaviors that keep you ensnared in the cycle. Negative self-talk, destructive actions, and engaging in toxic relationships can all contribute to maintaining a harmful cycle. Pay attention to how your relationships affect you. If you consistently feel ignored, insignificant, or under-appreciated, it’s a clear sign that you are ensnared in a destructive cycle that needs to be broken.
S – Steps: Chart Your Course
Finally, plan the steps necessary to break the cycle. Clear your path, set achievable goals, and focus on replacing negative patterns with positive behaviors. Look for tools and resources that can assist you on this journey. Eliminate any hurdles that prevent you from putting yourself first. Taking steps towards your goals forms an indispensable part of breaking away from a destructive cycle.
Romans 12:2 reminds us that change begins with shifting our mindset. In order to truly break negative patterns and cycles we have to see the SIGNS, without recognizing the SIGNS and being self aware we remain in a space where the tools we have can’t be used effectively. You possess everything you need right now to make the changes that build and bless the best YOU! Identifying and breaking negative cycles is a journey that requires self-awareness, courage, and action. Always remember the SIGNS – Symptoms, Impact, Growth, Negativity, and Steps. Each of these plays a crucial role in helping you break free from destructive patterns and steer towards a healthier and happier life. Stay brave, stay strong, and give yourself a chance.
