“Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” Matthew 5:15-16
I finally got it! After almost 10 months, a statement the Lord made to me all of a sudden made sense. Over my birthday weekend I did a lot of self reflecting and self truthing. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past 3 years, mostly about how to live free so I can use my gifts (mental, physical and spiritual). I never realized how interconnected my gifts were to my goals until last year when the Lord clearly told me that “my kids are not my job.” The statement was something I’d been struggling to understand since I heard it, but it took my birthday this year to fully understand and realize what it meant.
I used to believe that my job as a wife and mother was to be the giver, guide and gauge for all things. I convinced myself that naturally my role came with self-sacrificing as the highest demonstration of love, but what I hadn’t noticed was that somewhere along the way I had taken on responsibility and accountability for the choices and consequences of the people around me. Living to be all things was tiring and frustrating. Whenever my kids would make choices or walk a path that was so far from the wisdom or goodness I’d intended for them I took it extremely personal. I began to make their own freedoms and decisions synonymous and representative of what they believed about me, or the value they held of my words and actions. I was so tied to their achievements and doings that I had forsaken the freedom I had to live fully in myself and my doings. But after this last month I realize, they are free to choose as they need and determine for their path. They are not my job, but instead my treasure. The moments I share with them are a gift given to me, so that I can learn to see them for who they’ve been created to be through their choices and actions; even when what they choose isn’t what I think or see as best. How did I get here?
Long story short…
April 21, 2023 was the day the Lord had to have a real talk with me. I was so frustrated with how my birthday celebration was being executed that I found myself tense and bordering anger. In my mind, for the last 13 years I’d shown my husband and kids what it looked like to celebrate someone. From decorations to gifts and meals I had poured intention into birthdays, and then here it was my turn and I was getting lackluster energy and intention. It all just felt wrong. In the midst of a mental rant, I heard “girl stop it” clear as day. I knew it wasn’t me, because I was absolutely justified not only in my rant but in my feelings.
As I quieted my mind and listened closer, the Holy Spirit continued to speak to me. “People don’t validate your worth, not even your family or children.” The statement was so simple but was so opposite of all the things I thought were true. Even Proverbs 31 says that the virtuous woman’s children rise and call her blessed and her husband praises her. So how could this reality also exist? How could I be a wife and mother and my family not validate my worth?
I surrendered to the internal dialogue that had become this “come to Jesus” moment. The contents of which included this very candid reality as a mother and wife that I’d never considered: “ Their (my husband and kids) actions aren’t a reflection of who you are. You know that! Everyone gets to choose. When people’s choices speak about where THEY are (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) pray for them and release them to grow; don’t hold them in one place or moment in time based on a decision they made. Who they are and what they choose isn’t even about you, it’s about them. CHOOSE YOU! CELEBRATE YOU! LOVE YOU! FREE YOU! When the time comes state your piece, get your peace and move on.”
WOW! I was both speechless and thoughtless! Never had I been so admonished and encouraged at the same time. The frenzy inside my mind and spirit settled and my heart lightened. I had been looking and living my wife/mom life in a way that centered myself in a light I wasn’t created for, and had accepted responsibilities that weren’t even mine! In that moment I understood that I didn’t make anyone and thusly I wasn’t responsible for the path they were made to live/walk. I am only a candle.
As a candle I was made to fill the spaces I was meant to stand in by sharing light and warmth. My flame is a beacon and a source for others to recognize their own potential and power as I leave in mine. As Matthew 5 reminds each of us, you are a candle lit by the Living God meant to bring light to others and a beacon of good. The goodness is first for you and as people witness you being good to you and sharing the good you possess, they recognize their own potential and power and give glory to the God of Creation.
In order to be a beacon of good and represent the fullest of your power and purpose in walking your path I encourage you to CHOOSE YOU! CELEBRATE YOU! LOVE YOU! FREE YOU. In doing so you honor yourself by being a candle.
Simply put a candle is a person who is:
C – Compassionate: Cultivate self-compassion and extend it to others by removing obligation and expectation of others and focusing on giving yourself opportunities to invest and pour into your own cup.
A – Accepting: Embrace your emotions and accept yourself unconditionally allowing yourself to be free from guilt and shame helps us to honor our own worth while also giving ourselves the grace and space to do the self work to grow beyond our challenges
N – Nurturing: Nurture your mind and body through self-care and self-love. Tending to ourselves means taking the time to gain clarity and balance through creating the environment we need to thrive. This is done through the habits we shape and the lifestyle choices we make including healthy eating, sleep habits, physical activity and introspective reflection and communication (prayer, meditation, fasting).
D – Dedicated: Dedicate time to personal growth and developing healthy relationships. You deserve your time as much as anyone else. Giving yourself time and allowing yourself to present for you is essential. Building or rebuilding healthy relationships that honor boundaries and create healthy and functional communication are important to how we grow for ourselves first and then with others.
L – Loving: Share love with yourself and others, promoting a supportive community. Learning to love ourselves requires giving ourselves intentional time and energy. Journaling, therapy and cultivating self-care routines and habits are ways we can give to ourselves and build self love.
E – Empathetic: Practice empathy and understanding to foster strong connections with others. True empathy is recognizing what someone needs and acknowledging their need and humanity. It doesn’t mean we have to swoop in to save the day, instead we can ask the right question (s)and show up in a way that is reflective of our values and capacity, so that we are guided by honesty and compassion.
I pray this blesses you and frees you in this season and in every season to come to CHOOSE YOU! CELEBRATE YOU! LOVE YOU! FREE YOU to be a candle in the places and spaces the Living God has made you for. My hope is that you remember and hold the truth that nobody validates your worth or value, it was assigned to you by the God of Creation and nothing you do or choose diminishes your value. When people’s choices speak about where THEY are (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) pray for them and release them to grow; don’t hold them in one place or moment in time based on a decision they made. Who they are and what they choose isn’t even about you, it’s about them. Let your light shine and flame grow so people see your power and purpose.
